Forgiving vs. Letting Go: Rethinking an Often Misunderstood Concept

“You should forgive them. It’s the only way you’ll move on.”

If you’ve ever heard that in a therapy room, or from well-meaning friends or family, you might have felt a deep resistance. And honestly? That’s completely valid.

As a psychologist, I often find myself sitting with clients who’ve been told that they must forgive in order to heal. And more often than not, they’ve internalised that message as a kind of pressure, one that feels more like another emotional burden than a step toward freedom. They tell me they’ve tried to forgive, but it didn’t bring them peace. Or that they weren’t ready and felt shamed for not being there yet.

This is where I like to pause and reframe.

Because forgiveness, as it’s commonly understood, is in itself a very loaded word. It can carry spiritual, moral, or even social connotations. It can feel like you’re being asked to condone someone else’s harmful behaviour, or to pretend that what happened doesn't matter. And for many people, that’s simply not where they’re at. That’s not where they should be, either.

So here’s how I see it:

Forgiveness isn’t about saying “it’s okay.”
It’s about saying: “I no longer want to carry this pain with me every day.”

It’s not about the other person at all.
It’s about you, it's about your peace, your emotional wellbeing, your freedom.

In therapy, I rarely push the word forgiveness. In fact, many of my clients are surprised when I don’t. Instead, we talk about what it means to let go. Not in a rushed, bypassing sort of way, but slowly, when you’re ready, if you’re ready, however long that may take. We explore how anger and resentment (while of course absolutely valid!) can become heavy. How they can seep into your present, stealing joy from moments that should feel lighter.

And here’s the key thing:
Your anger is probably hurting you far more than it’s affecting anyone else.

That’s not to say it’s wrong to feel angry. Quite the opposite. Anger can be protective, clarifying, and powerful. It often shows up in the aftermath of betrayal, injustice, or emotional harm, and it deserves to be heard. But if that anger takes up residence, day after day, it starts to weigh down your nervous system, your relationships, your sense of safety and peace.

So rather than aiming for some new-agey or spiritual ideal of forgiveness, what if we simply aimed for less daily suffering?

What if we made space for you to feel your feelings, and that means all of them, but gently helped you towards not carrying the same emotional load forever more?

Letting go is a process, not a moment. It’s about reclaiming your mental and emotional space. You’re not excusing what happened. You’re choosing not to let it control you anymore.

So if the word forgiveness doesn’t sit right with you, that’s okay. Let’s talk instead about healing, releasing, or finding peace. Let’s honour your timing. Let’s do this on your terms.

Because this isn’t about them.
It’s about you.

If the idea of letting go feels like something you might be ready to explore, even just a little, try this:

Find a quiet moment this week to write down one thing you’re still carrying that feels heavy. It might be a person, a situation, or simply a lingering feeling. Then ask yourself: “Is holding onto this helping me, or is it hurting me?”

You don’t need to have all the answers. You don’t need to rush to forgiveness. Just bringing awareness to what you’re holding can be the first small step towards easing the weight.